59 pounds to go: Motivation!

I've been doing a bit of soul searching the last few weeks. It's been hard to find my motivation and I am losing my balance more and more as the weeks go back. So I am going back to basics this week and searching for my motivation. Why did I start this journey in the first place.

I am not afraid to admit that vanity played a HUGE part in it. I wanted to look better. I wanted to be able to go shopping and know that I would be able to find something I liked. I was fed up of always feeling like the fat person in the room and always found myself looking for people who were as big or bigger than me because that would make me feel a little bit better, which I know does make me sound like a horrible person but its what I used to do. And I think the worst part of it was if I did see someone who was bigger than me but confident, fun and happy then I would instantly feel even worse about myself and want to shrink into a corner. I could never understand why I couldn't be happy like that. I was obsessed with comparing myself to others and I have learned not to do that. By learning not to compare myself to others I have realised a whole lot more about myself. I am happy at the top end of my healthy BMI, I'm never going to be the smallest person in the room but I am comfortable in my skin (most of the time) and that is all that matters.

So how do I use that motivation now I am at goal? Remember the anxiety and upset being overweight caused me so I know I do not want to go back. While I know I don't need to be the smallest person in the room and I do not need to compare myself to others, I do not want to be back where I feel that anxiety and want to compare myself to others.

Health was and is always a huge motivator for me. The health implications of being overweight are huge and it was always something at the back of my mind. Not being able to walk up one flight of stairs without being ridiculously out of breath was not fun. Towards the end of my travels I chose the least strenuous option for everything. I did a day long trek in the forest (that nearly killed me) instead of the 3 day camping trip. I told myself I was saving money but in reality I wasn't able for it. I also found that the dreaded thigh rub was awful, I constantly had awful blisters on my thighs and nothing I could do would make it better. Being in the heat of thailand, so overweight and constantly uncomfortable was not fun.

I was glad when I found out that my mini marathon friend was pregnant which gave me an excuse not to have to start jogging again. Feeling constantly uncomfortable and tired carrying around the extra weight was a constant reminder and since I suffer from terrible anxiety, I was terrified of the strain the extra weight was putting on my body. Anxiety attacks feel very much like a heart attack, and while I do still suffer from these, they were extra scary when my weight meant a heart attack was actually a likely outcome.

Now when I have an anxiety attack I know what it is, and while I do fear a million different things, my weight does not come into play. I run regularly and can walk up and down a flight of stairs without fearing collapse.

I am turning 30 in less than a week and I have been freaking out about it over the past couple of months. My anxiety has reared its ugly head again and I have been stress eating. I have got a handle on things this week but my running has been a disaster. I can feel the half marathon looming and I am getting inside my head too much. Coupling this with the fact I will be 30, and it has not had good results. The rational part of me knows that turning 30 is no big deal, nothing will change. But then the irrational girl who is turning 30 shows up and I think of all the things I wanted to have done but haven't. When I actually think about those things, they were naive goals half of which I actually don't want right now anyway. I do wish I was further in my career and closer to buying my own home, but I am on my way to both of those things.

When I look at what I have achieved though the panic subsides a bit. I have travelled the world on my own, conquering one of my biggest fears and proving to many people that I could actually do it. I met so many people and saw so many amazing things. I may not have the career I want but I have gained a huge amount of experience over the years, tried things that were not for me and I have finally found what I believe I am good at and a career I can build on. I have managed to surround myself by some of the most amazing people, I am constantly amazed by just how wonderful my family and friends are and how lucky I am to have kept such fantastic people in my life. Many years ago I came close to losing a lot of my friends and I am so grateful that they stuck by me. I may not have my own house, but I do have a lovely home with my equally lovely boyfriend which I am grateful for everyday. And last but not least I am a Weight Watcher Gold Member. I lost 52.5lb and have managed to maintain my goal for a year and a half. I have signed up for my first half marathon, and while I won't get it done before I turn 30, I will get it done this year.